I was thinking back 15 years ago……..I was in the midst of pursuing reconciliation of my marriage to Jeff. It wasn’t going well. But unbeknownst to me, God distinctly gave Jeff these verses: Proverbs 3:5-6…”Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your path straight.” At this point in time, Jeff was so unsure of what to do. He could not imagine reconciling with me as his hatred and hurt was so great. He didn’t want to be in my presence, couldn’t imagine holding me, living with me or making love to me again! But it wasn’t up to Jeff! It was up to God. Jeff tells the story that he was leaning on his own understanding (which stunk), and he wasn’t trusting God with his heart…..It was that night as he wrestled with God that God intervened and revealed to him that he needed to trust Him…..not himself. Jeff’s heart was softened and changed…….
Today, 15 years later, we are in a restored, Christ-centered, flawed (b/c we are sinners!!), abundant marriage that neither of us could have asked for or imagined (Eph 3:20).
Are u willing to trust God….and not yourself?
This is a great reminder that God works “behind the scenes”. I get so focused on the circumstances, and forget that God isn’t limited by those circumstances…he changes them!
I do believe that God works behind the scenes. My wife has been gone for four yrs as of today. She wont talk to me concerning our marriage or anything as her heart and conscience is apparently seared to that. I really don’t think God is able to work in the heart of my wife.
Hi Greg… just wanted to offer some supportive words… Your comment reads “I really don’t think God is able to work in the heart of my wife”… Really? How big is your God? Because MY GOD is able! My God created the universe just by speaking it into existence! My God parted the Red Sea! My God raised the dead to life! My God hates divorce! My God says He can make ALL things new! My God can heal any broken person and any broken marriage. I have been standing for my broken husband and marriage for over 2 years now. It has been a truly unbelievable journey with God… one filled with heartache, pain, love, forgiveness, strength, perseverance, patience, joy and peace! My husband is not home, yet… but if I believed all the words he has said and I continued to look at my circumstances, I would have been defeated even before I started… and I would have missed out on all the amazing blessings God had in store for me, including a new baby! God can change hearts of stone into hearts of flesh! He can turn the worst of sinners into the greatest disciples! Seek God first… ask Him what to do regarding your marriage and reconciliation… don’t look at where your wife is right now and all the surrounding circumstances… Have complete faith and trust in God and in what He can do. You can not change your wife’s heart… but GOD CAN! You have to believe two principles about God… 1) Believe that God is who He says He is and 2)That God will do what He says He will do!!! If you truly, truly believe that… then, NOTHING is impossible with Him [God] (Luke 1:37)!!! May He soften your wife’s heart and completely heal your marriage, “…immeasurably more than all you could ask or imagine…” (Ephesians 3:20-21a)!!! To get some additional encouragement, besides this website, I also recommend http://www.RejoiceMinistries.org Keep praying… Keep standing… Keep trusting… Keep believing!!!
Beautiful words and faith. It is hard sometimes to have the faith you have Tara. You are where i wish to be. Since mine is so new and the battle is with my own doubts it does get confusing. Worry if your moments of doubt will be the death throw. But during those quiet moments of prayer and thought, those thoughts that everything will be good, they do give peace. Patience at least in my case is my millstone. Like you said, ” Don’t look at where your wife is right now or the surrounding circumstances.” It is difficult especially when another is in the picture, but I will have faith. Sometimes my faith is gasping for breath, sometimes it’s as hopeful as a new day.
God works in ways we cannot imagine, trust in him and he will show you the way
Hi Tara. Gotta question for ya. What if your husband is bipolar, ADHD, Has OCD & Major Depressive disorder? One minute he wants to & follows God then the next he bashes, is angry & asks why him, etc. it’s been like this for 5 years now. I’ve hung in by reading having very supportive friends, & praying like crazy. The sad part is: our 2 kids have grown up with such bad examples of how to communicate, react to stress, etc. they have had their self worth ripped away by his years of hurtful words ( only to be praised the next day— really confusing). I’ve been told so many times I should get the kids out b/c it’s so emotionally damaging. He’s very controlling. He will say its ok to do something, then when u do it, he makes u feel bad or it’s wrong. Myson is a senior and he is controlling every little detail of what our son will do when he graduates. It’s so sad. My husband loves us to death and says he can’t live without us, but has always threatened divorce since the kids were babies anytime we got into an argument & I always said that wasn’t the answer. Maybe I should have let him go? I have a lot of guilt for whatmy kids go through every day.
Amber,
Maybe I can help.
I had depression for ten years but due to arrogance and ignorance, denied it.
In late November, the absolute love of my life asked for a divorce. She could not take my anger and depression anymore.
I was devastated… and got VERY angry at God. I actually said to him “could you not take five seconds out of your busy day and just hit me on the head with a rock before I screwed up so badly?
That night, while crying to my sister about ‘poor me’… my sister dropped the second bomb on me. She told me to “wake stupid, you DO have chronic depression and anger.”
You see, God did hit me on the head with a rock… but he needed my dearest love to crack my arrogance, and my lovely sister to drive the point home.
He dropped the rock when HE deemed I was ready to listen and grow as a man.
I have since started meds, and am seeing a psychologit. I h have also asked my wife to reconsider. She indicated there may be a chance.
My stupid sense of humor (which I had not realized died a long time ago) has started to resurface. I have since made my love belly-laugh several times.
Listen closely.. your husband sounds just like I was.
And if so he is in agony! Depression is an unbelievable disease. There is a monster in there lying to him and telling him to stay out of the light.
Three weeks on meds and I realized the world is not black, there is color in it. And I have to fight the monster.
I cannot tell you what this means to me to see light again, and I am guessing it will mean just as much to your husband.
Has he seen a doctor and is he on meds? Tell him to go. Do what you need to do to save your husband and yourself. Both of your futures depend on it.
Regardless if my love divorces me, I am eternally grateful to her. She risked everything to save my life.
Hello Eric,
I believed that GOD if very powerful in all aspect of our life.You inspire me buy your story.I am separated with my husband close to one year now,,on in off.And its very sad b/c this is not the life I wanna be after marrying him.He is very controlling,anger,depression and paranoid,we both seeing counselling. He doesn’t want a divorce.I wish I can talk to you and shared with me how God work for you.I am very confuse.I don’t know how many chance i need to build my trust on him not to hurt me again.He is a nice person inside but then,every time he has his anger he forgot who I am,it’s like he has @ kind of personality.Please help I need your reply.God bless you! Happy Valentines!
Dolores
my husband has turned his back towards God…that’s what i see…his heart has grown cold towards me and our marriage…i believe that God can heal our marriage…he wants a divorce and i know wht God says about divorce…he tells me that the reason he wants the dicorce is because that we fight all the time…but minly when i bring up the fact that i wish he would get back in church and be under the conviction of God…he was there once before about 2 yrs ago…i was going to talk to a dovorce lawyer but then my husband changed his mind about the divorce…and i believe that was God changing him but now he’s let friends and partying and alcohol consume him…his friends tell him that divorce maybe the best optiong…but i know it can’t be…im going to believe with all my heart and all my soul that God will change my husband to be a better man and husband…and the person God made him to be…satan is not going to win this one…
Tara, amen amen amen … It is very hard indeed like in my case when I was the “culprit …” that’s why my husband wants us to separate…. Just weeks ago. He found somebody new and he will live with that girl soon but we are civil for the kids. Even with what I’ve done, I really won’t to save our marriage, not only for the kids but because I really love my husband. I returned to God now, confessed my sins and ask for His forgiveness. and I am only relying now on God’s promises … on His ways. I’m already forgiven and I will continue to seek Him and I trust that in His own perfect time, my husband can totally forgive me already, he will be healed emotionally and spiritually, and He will let my husband return to us. Nothing is impossible with God. We can’t fix our marriage but God can ….
so what it sounds like from what u said Tara u have a new baby but you and your husband are not back together, if so I’m confused here.
@ Greg… Greg I also want to offer encouraging words. I prayed a very long time (years) for my wife after she left. I will spare the details, but she also would not talk to me, or want anything to do with me. Her heart was extremely hard and divorce was days away. The night before we were to sign divorce papers, she called and asked me not to sign. She wanted a chance to work it out. I was totally blown away. Currently, we are going to counseling and we are making strides to restoring our relationship. The past 3 weeks have been the best in 13 years of marriage. I know God works behind the scenes and he will touch the heart of those we pray for. It may be hard, but keep trusting Him.
Amen.
We’ve been separated for 2.5 months and are about to sign our paperwork. The last few months have simultaneously been the worst and the best time of my life. Worst because a part of my heart is being ripped out of me, but best because it’s brought me to my knees in true repentance and humble reliance on God. Thanks for sharing your encouraging story. I pray that people on this site will find hope, even if reconciliation isn’t a part of God’s plan for our marriage (even writing that sentence took a lot of faith).
Reconciliation will always be a part of a marriage whenever one or both of the parties wants it and will ask God for help. But if nobody will pray and ask the Lord for it then perhaps they don’t want it, too but still … God have His own plans for us most especially to those who will persevere and wait til God will fix their marriage … Like me. I trust in God’s promises and in due time, He will touch my husband’s heart and He will enlighten his mind to return to our family. In Jesus’ name …
Greg,
I can’t imagine the agony of four years. The disappointment, the anger, the rage – and how much hope has been lost. My wife left at Thanksgiving, took my son with her – and then we went through this weak period of trying to fix it. By weak I mean ineffective – and with little movement on her part. She told me she wanted a divorce the day before Valentine’s Day – and then reiterated it on Valentine’s Day in a cousnelor’s office. She took my family on Thanksgiving and then told me she wanted a divorce on Valentine’s Day.
But God has been faithful. It took me awhile to see it – and awhile to see it through my pain, but its getting better. He has spoken encouragement to my heart about the path of reconciliation. When I asked Him what He wanted, He brought to mind the parable of the lost sheep. Are we willing to leave all we have in the call of obedience to pursue that one thing that is worth it? All the pain, justification and injury? Only God can speak that to your heart powerfully, but only you can ask. You may have some stuff God needs to work with in you before you can begin to believe in that path – and thats okay.
If you want someone to hear your story and walk with you – call me. I’ll help encourage you in any way I can – Christopher
8 3 2 6 4 6 9 8 7 5 (typed this way to prevent spam bots…)
Hi Greg! Please don’t lose hope. In every situation, most especially in separation or other very serious events in our lives, God wants us to know that He is calling us to be closer to Him again. Nothing will happen overnight but his wants us to persevere. He wants us to look on ourselves first, ask forgiveness for our sins and repent. Let’s seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness and all the other things will be added unto us … so let go and let God. Nothing is impossible with the Lord. For us humans, there te things that we just cannot fix so we will plow god to fix it for us but we should be willing to do our part, too. Follow His words and follow His ways. Like a month ago, more or less, my husband told me that he wants us to separate (because I cheated on him years ago) because he now found somebody whom he can give his unconditional love again. He said I don’t deserve his love anymore and he no longer love me, he is not holy with me anymore. I turned back to God because I cannot fix my marriage anymore on my own. I have to let go and Let God do His ways. It’s not easy but to renew our relationship with God, letting go of our sins and we will do to follow His words and actions, we will just trust Him and in His own perfect time, when we are ready, He will grant the desires of our hearts. So let’s renew ourselves, avoid sins, read our bible everyday and pray unceasingly, in due time, we will be surprised with His rewards. We will just trust in His words and promises, what God has joined together, let no man separate. We will just hang on and persevere.
Greg
Don’t give up, God is able, and He wants your marriage to be healed. Be sure to check out the website that Tara shared, RMM is so helpful and leads you straight to our great and Awesome God.
God is working on the other side of the mountain, where we don’t see and He is doing great things.
My divorce became final last year. I think either one of us wanted it completely because at the end of the hearing we both were teary eyed. My ex husband had an affair and still living with the woman. They never married. I got myself out of a deep depression i went back to school and try to lose all the negativity in my life. Recent events with our daughter has us in communication more ( almost every day for about 3 months) nothing more than conversation. He told me that he wished none of this had ever happen. he dont know why he did what he did. he stated he knew what we had was love and he would never have that with her. He stated he was sorry for what all he had put me through the last 5 years and he gave me a hug. the past 2 weeks he has texted or called me just to say hello and to see how my day is going. no lines have been crossed and nothing has been said out of the way. we recently spoke about how are fights were not us we rarely fought when we were married. once we split we said some mean things to one another just trying to hurt each other. we both apologized to one another. my heart has been stirring. I never really stopped loving him even thru all of this. this morning he sent me a text stating : please dont call or text me. i have a problem its not you. i will call you in a week or so. my heart has went to shambles. why? i have no idea. i know he is still living with her but i know they are not really getting along. ( per ex sisterlaw). was i hoping for somehting that wouldnt happen? it was so funny i came acrosse I do again book while i was out. i read it in one day. it was such an eye opener but i was the Jeff in our situation but it was so nice to see both views of people and what was going on. i know things happen for a reason and i have prayed that we would get back together. I just feel in a state of confusion on where things are. just say a prayer for me!
Hi Sandra,
Thank u so much for sharing your story and letting us and our readers know how to pray for you. Sandra, don’t give up, ok? Allow God to carry you right now and give you direction. When the going gets a bit tough, we tend to give up. We know God does not want you to give up on this.
thank you so much for both of you sharing your story. it is really good insight on both sides of the fence. I have given it to God I know if it is in his plan it will happen. just little things keep popping up like our wedding song on the radio. it was 13 years ago why are they playing it so often? keeping myself busy by cleaning and found a scrapbook from one of our vacations we went. Hoping this is all postives signs. i did as he requested to not call or text him but it has been really tough. so keep on praying for the right direction for both of us.
Hi Sandra,
Have you read our book yet, I Do Again, ? I think this would give you great hope and encouragement as u pursue what God wants you to do.
http://www.amazon.com/Do-Again-Second-Chance-Marriage/dp/1400074452/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1253581151&sr=8-1
Yes, I have. It actually suggested to me by a stranger at the bookstore. I mentioned nothing of my story to her. She told me she read it and thought it was good to give to anyone that is in a relationship. I never told her I was or wasnt. I read the back and immediately that it was for me. I read it in one day and it really struck home. As for my ex husband he is still living with the other woman. He would have to leave her completely and cutoff all ties. I think he is battling within himself because he knows is not happy and scared to think i might reject him or it wouldnt work out. Hopefully he will decide to take the leap of faith and we can start over.
I have read Jeff and Cheryl’s book 3 times!! It is my life 95% I am now on my own with my daughters and have been working on repairing the damage I have done. My ex-husband and I do communicate well but it is mostly about our girls. I want to know so bad if he would be willing to reconcile but I am so scared to ask! I am trying to trust in God and follow his lead but sometimes I worry that I am going to miss the opportunity! What if he moves on, what if he says no, what if…. How do I know when to approach him with this? We had a long talk (very similar to Cheryl’s letter) and he listened. We had some closure on some issues and I was able to explain to him that I take full responsibility for my part. My girls are still grieving (its been 2 years) and my heart just aches for them. I’m so confused as to what to do!! Or do anything at all…
Hi Melissa, thanks for writing! From my point of view, what do u have to lose by sharing your heart and telling him where your heart is? Trust that God will lead the way for you. Melissa, where do you live?
Any of you have any comments for Melissa?
HI Cheryl,
Thank you so much for your reply. I live in Pennsylvania. I wish so badly I could come see one of your seminars. After reading your book I disected your website for information. You are right. What do I have to lose? I guess I dont want to be premature in my actions (my past decsions have not been the best) and sometimes questions my own judgement. I am in a whole different place than I was 2 years ago and in the meantime have begun my journey with the Lord which has been beyond amazing. I am so excited about all of that I want to share it with my exhusband. I will continue to pray for guidance, my girls, and the continued softening of my exhusband’s heart. Thank you again. Your book has truly changed my life!
Melissa, I think it is important for you to express your desire to reconcile with your husband. I would not overly concerned with the timing. Even if he is not amenable to reconciliation when you would bring up the matter, you would be planting a seed ,like people do when they witness to people about Jesus. Some accept Jesus on the first presentation of the Gospel, others commit to Him later on. I personally have seen this alot.The same could be true concerning your husband and reconciliation.
I would suggest that you not be timid in this area. It would be sad if he moved on with his life in a way that would make reconciliation virtually impossible because you were timid. When you talk to him about this just make sure he knows you love him second only to Jesus. I’m praying for you and your family about all this
Melissa, does ur church ever have speakers come and share?
HI Cheryl,
I am somewhat new to my church (moved back in March) so I am not sure if they have speakers on topics such as divorce, marriage, etc. I would imagine they do. I know they have a Divorce Care group (support group) and although I cannot attend, they do send me devotionals on a daily basis. I am finding that I am getting beyond the “traume” of divorce (the rollercoaster of emotions, confusion, depression, etc) and have really moved onto what is my next step? Never thought in a million years I would be thinking of reconciliation but here I am. I actually re-read the part in your book where Jeff spoke about when he finally started considering reconciliation and part of that was due to your persistence and determination. You spoke about how if it meant you never married again, you wouldn’t. I can really relate to that. I really feel deep down in my heart that this was it. I said to a friend of mine the other day that I really feel that my exhusband is the only husband God intended for me. That just came to me one day. I cried when I told her I made a commitment before God that I was accepting him as my husband and now I cant even imagine making that promise again. I feel as though it would go against everything God intended for me. Does that make any sense? Anyway, I will continue to look for speakers. I know I havent seen any on reconciliation but will continue to look. Thanks!
I have not read the book yet. It is on my reading list though. And I can’t wait to get to it!
Just wondering on the part you said: “…the part in your book where Jeff spoke about when he finally started considering reconciliation and part of that was due to your persistence and determination. You spoke about how if it meant you never married again, you wouldn’t.”
Of course everyone has advice when you are in this situation, but I have to ask. Aren’t you concerned that the spouse may take that as permission to go “bachlor(ette)” and when they get bored or get it out of their system – they can come right on back into the family?
I did that. I told my husband right off that he was the one and only. I would never remove my rings. I would be waiting for him to come home. That I had discovered unconditional love and nothing he could do would break it.
Well – shortly after I told him about the unconditional love – he started having an affair. We are married, living seperate about 5 minutes from each other. We have a 5 year old. He is military, she is military, and I work on the base as civilian. I run into them all the time. Its embarrassing. I feel like the laughing stock, the fool, the doormat.
I AM STRUGGLING. How do you NOT think about the affair? How do you not feel anger that your child is being subjected to that person? How do you not feel anger that the spouse continues to lie to your face about it all?
This is all killing me. I just want to pack up and move far away but financially – I can’t.
I am soooo open to godly constructive advice…
HI Sarah,
I am by no means one to be giving advice on this topic. The only thing I can say is do whatever you can to get your hands on the book. Now, you will be reading it from a different perspective than I was but regardless, I do believe it will help you understand from all perspectives. I never looked at it from God’s perspective. That is what made the difference for me. My ex and I never put God first in our marraige and when things got tough, we turned to eachother to make it better rather than turing to God. When it didnt get better, that gave us reason to blame. Now, after reading the book 3 times (and still going back to it over and over again), I realize that all I can do is forgive myself, pray, follow what I believe it is that God has in store for me, and pray some more. I dont know if my exhusband will ever have a softening of his heart or find God the way I have, but that is out of my control and up to God. All I can do is live my “new” life and trust. This is where I struggle but I get up each day trying my best. Through this process I can honestly say that God has spoken to me. And when I say that I dont think I will ever marry again, that’s because through my prayer and meditation, it’s where my heart ends up each and every time. It’s not about my ex and what he does, it’s about me and my relationship with God. If we are to reconcile, we will. I cant imagine how you must feel especially with it in your face day in and day out. My only advice is to turn to God. He will take care of you and your son. You will begin to heal and feel stronger because of Him.
I’ve been divorced since May ’08. I’ve been praying for reconciliation since we were separated that previous July. I’ve even taken things into my own hands and dated a few times, and crossed the line physically in two of those. My situation is similar to Jeff and Cheryl, but I was the unfaithful one, and she was the one who wanted the divorce. She has been hard-hearted towards reconciliation from the beginning. We get along well, but she will only talk to me when our two girls (11 and 8) are concerned. I try to stretch the time with her, time on the phone, and texting, just to have more with her. She has continued to date, and has lived with two of her boyfriends, along with our daughters. It kills me when she has boyfriends, especially when I see them. I have my ups and downs for sure. When I give it to God, it’s easier, but when I take it back, it’s hell for me emotionally. I get caught up with thoughts of her doing this and that with some guy, and it burns inside of me. I also have times of trust and distrust with God’s handling this. It’s the “I can do this better” thing. I know that He can do it better than I ever could, but once in awhile, I get those feelings. I know He can restore. I’ve read so many different testimonies and heard on the radio, and that’s very encouraging to me, but I think, “that’s them and not me. Why would he answer my prayer? Why would He restore my marriage?” It’s the “woe is me” attitude. This patience thing He is teaching me is really hard, especially when I don’t see anything coming from my ex. I’d like to have a clue at least, but maybe that would stop whatever growth is going on inside of me. If this is what it takes for me to have a close relationship with God, to be fully dependent on Him, than so be it. But, I still don’t want to be divorced from my ex. I hate it! I still want her back. I know that a new marriage with her would be better than before because of the work He is doing in me. I wonder if I could be hindering His work in this, or if she could be hindering His work? If, if, if… Her name is Tiffani, btw. Currently re-reading I Do Again for the 4th time.
I have been reading the comments left on reconciliation and have commented a few times myself. I can soooo relate to many of the people on here. I guess the question I have for cheryl (or anyone else who would like to answer) is, at what point do you know that it is God’s will to address reconciliation with your ex and not your own will? I really don’t trust my own will anymore given the circumstances that I am currently in. I can totally relate to Scott when he says he tries to find ways to stay on the phone longer, email, text, etc with his ex just to have that connection. Last night I was getting ready for Back to School Night for my daughter and knowing I was going to see my ex, I put on some “nicer” clothes, a little more lip gloss, etc. I asked myself “What is this all about?” I wanted so badly to ask him about considering reconciliaiton even as we stood inthe parking lot after the meetings but chickened out! I am driving myself insane with wanting to reconcile and not knowing how to bring it up. I pray, read, journal, read, pray, journal waiting for God to give me an enormous sign that says Now Is The Time!!! UGH!!
Melissa,
I also want to tell my ex about reconciling, but I’ve already brought that up before, and she really let me have it. I was really depressed after that. It seemed to me that things were improving between us, as I had dinner with them a few times, stayed at her house with our girls and her for two o three hours several times, then she got a bf and that “killed” me. I was mad at God because of that, in light of what had been happening earlier that year. Since then, she broke up with him, then back with him, moved in with him and broke up with him again. Now, she is in another relationship. It is definitely wearing on me, and I there have been and still are many “whys?” When I try to do things on my own, it gets messed up. If I sit back and allow God to work in this, it seems like nothing is happening, at least to me anyway. She doesn’t even communicate with me unless it concerns our daughters. I never really appreciated communication with her until I didn’t have it anymore. I miss it for sure, no one to talk to, to share my feelings with, my sadness, my joy, etc. I know you probably have similar feelings. I also overthink too, and that causes MUCH anxiety on my part, which then leads to some depression for awhile, and that’s no good. When I learn something new, I think “doesn’t she know that?” When I learn a new thing, or re-learn something, I think that’s what it was and that we’ll be back together. Still…nothing. Status Quo. I pray more than I ever have before our separation and ultimately divorce three and one half years ago. I have been journaling for the past four years pretty consistently. When I have no one to talk to face to face, I know I can journal. It helps me to be able to do that. I tried journaling several years ago, but didn’t stay with it. Funny how circumstances change things! It feels so one-sided, you know?
HI Scott,
Wow…frustrating. I feel for you. I know it is so hard to do, but letting go and letting God is my motto every day. If God’s plan is for the two of you to be back together than that is what will happen. If not, it means He has a better plan for you. My advice is to stick with your praying, journaling, etc and just put all of your faith in God. I actually read a letter I had written to my ex-husband just pouring out my heart. I read it to him on Sunday. His body launguage reminded me of how Jeff described how he felt when Cheryl read her first letter. I’m sure he couldn’t wait for it to be finished but I needed to get through it. When I was done, I was sobbing and he was numb. We wound up talking for about 1 1/2 hours during which time he told me that he is seeing someone. When I imagined this day would come, I thought I would crumble. Instead, something (or someone) inside of me said, “do not worry, give him time, let him do what he needs to and in time he will be ready.” It was the strangest thing. Since then, I have had this sense of peace about me that I never had before. If I were to die today, I know I have said everything I needed to say to my Ex-husband. I have forgiven myself, accepted God’s forgiveness, and I do believe someday my ex will forgive me too. For now, I am putting all of my energy in God and my girls. I cant control what decisions my ex makes and he knows where I stand. He asked me if I wanted to reconcile and I said yes. He couldn’t believe it. He said he wasnt sure and needed time. I told him I agreed and that if we were going to go down this road, we needed counseling and God. I dont know what he is thinking but I have done all I can do. It is in God’s hands. Same with your situation. Pray for God to help you with the anxiety and letting go and trusting in Him. Focus on the aspects of your life rather than your ex-wife’s. Try to find the treasures in this trial because you are here for a reason.
So beautiful. I find mylsef in the same place lately as Father is displacing my orphan heart with that of a son. He loves us so perfectly. He loves us just the way we are. Aaaaaaaaahhh I’m so glad to know that I’m His happy thought. Thank you, Papa!
Just read I Do Again, and came here for support. For those of you that read this, please pray for me and my wife.
My wife divorced me for another man. It’s a “long distance” relationship (5 hours), but they see each other weekly. She lied to me about it, even when I asked her point blank. But she’s telling her friends and family that I was abusing her (I guess she’s afraid they would judge her or something). So they all hate me, and are telling her to keep going down this road with the new guy who is “so much better for her”. Her and the new guy are VERY serioius… even though it’s only been 3 months.
She told me she hates me, she never loved me, only married me out of fear and guilt (although she admits the fear and guilt didn’t come from me)… and even went to far as to accuse me of raping her when we were dating (which is so far from the truth, I didn’t even know how to respond to that. I still don’t). But I believe she honestly has convinced herself that was the truth. She said I disgusted her whenever I got near her.
But here’s the thing… I KNOW none of that is true. Because I was there once too. Before she divorced me, I made the mistake of initiating the separation and asking for divorce. She fought to get back together for a month… then she found the other man. THEN (me still not knowing about the other man) I decided I wanted to work things out… and she went through with the divorce. Now I know her change of heart (wanting to work towards reconciliation then to divorce and never speaking to me… that change happened almost overnight), coincided to the day when this guy (who she had feelings for before she met me) contacted her. And now she’s made him into me. She’s doing all the exact same things her and I did when we dated, saying all the exact same things to him that she did to me. She’s trying to make him into me. I don’t know if that’s comforting or heartbreaking.
Even though I was not harassing her, she changed her phone number (I don’t have it), blocked me on Facebook, and changed her email address. I have no way of ever contacting her again (although I did send her a “love package” through the mail for valentine’s day. But I am afraid to contact her and harass her any more than that. And she’ll be moving to a new address in a couple months… and we don’t have kids… so I will have NO way of ever contacting her again… And knowing that *IF* God ever DID change her heart… all her friends and family think I’m a wife beater… and I don’t see them ever allowing her to come back. Add that to the fact that she thinks I raped her 4 years ago… It all *seems* hopeless… and I struggle everyday with if praying for restoration is worth it…
Anyway, before God worked a miracle in me and softened my heart… I was doing and saying the EXACT same things she is saying to me (only to other people and not to her), of course I didn’t accuse her of rape or any of those things though. But I was 100% convinced we were miserable, that I hated her, and that there was no hope. I was adamant that I would NEVER change my mind. But God saved me from that dark place. And I know he can her too.
Reading the I Do Again book, I was amazed at how it mirrored our emotions. Of course the details were a little different. We don’t have kids, and some of the things Cheryl said and went through applied to my wife, and some applied to me. Same thing with Jeff. But ALL the emotions were there. It was very encouraging.
I’m still depressed and struggle with what to do. And it’s hard coming to grips with knowing she completely cut me out of her life, and didn’t give the “new me” that God saved a chance.
I love my wife more than anything. But she is in a very dark place. She’s lied multiple times to her new boyfriend, to me, to her friends, to her family… all the while claiming she is “doing God’s will” for her life. She grew up a Christian and it breaks my heart to see her going down this road, and everyone encouraging her. I’m simultaneously filled with hope and hopelessness.
Anyone that reads this, your prayers are very much appreciated… but my wife needs your prayers more than I do. She’s been deceived by others and by herself… and she’s also deceiving many others. I want restoration in my marriage and the person I knew and loved back… but I know it won’t happen until God changes her heart. Please pray for her. Thank you.
Aaron, be comforted knowing that God is in control. It doesn’t matter if you have contact with her, it is the Lord who will do the work. The most powerful thing you can do is to pray. God wants to use this crisis in your life to reveal Himself to you in a powerful way. He wants you to learn to totally depend on Him. My husband and I are separated. Like you, I wanted to end the marriage, he did not. The Lord got a hold of me and turned me totally around, but now my husband is not open to reconciliation. But God has a plan. There are things that He has taught me that I would not have been open to if my husband had come back when I wanted Him to. God truly is in control, keep your eyes on Him – I know that sounds so cliche, but it is so true.
I appreciate the response and kind words. I’m ready to call it quits though. I’m just sick of being in pain and the constant rejection, all the while my name is being drug through the mud.
I’ve done nothing but pray with occasional fasting for months now, and things have just gotten worse. Still no contact with her, and she’s just more serious with this guy. And all her friends and family and her therapist are telling her how happy they are that she divorced me. I just think that if this was what God wanted for me… I would have gotten something in the way of ANY hope in these last months.
I know people at like rejoice ministries say never to give up that God keeps His promises. Well, I believe God does keep His promises, but nowhere in scripture does God promise to restore all marriages. And for every restoration testimony I see, I see 20 more people who’s spouse never comes back… Despite they’re prayers for years and years. And EVERY restoration testimony, the people either had kids or maintained a line of communication. I’m still trying to find just ONE example of a restoration that had neither of those like mine do. Add that to the fact that her friends and family think I was abusing her….
I believe God CAN do anything… I’m just beginning to doubt that He will bring her back… And I can’t take this pain much longer. Prayers are very much appreciated
Aaron, hold on to your faith and believe. You are looking at what the enemy wants you to see. Stop looking with your physical eyes and begin to look with your spiritual eyes. Take a deep breathe and time out! Go to God and leave it there, who cares what she is doing, just know and have faith to what God is doing.
Hi Jeff, Cheryl and everyone else,
I have to say first that I admire you guys and your daughter Lauren for the very strong faith you exhibit, it is truly inspiring and I pray the Lord will continue guiding and strengthening you.
I have also read your book, thank you so much for sharing your story, it truly gives hope. My husband and I have been separated for the last 7 months. I could say I was the Jeff in the story and my husband was Cheryl, of course not 2 stories are ever the same, but quite similar. The Lord really spoke to me back then and has continued teaching me since then, letting me know, very clearly I must say, what my part was in bringing our marriage to this situation. My husband does not see his part, and thinks that he made a mistake when he married me and we are so different, not meant for each other, all of which I know is not true. Well, 3 days ago, by mistake, I discovered he is seeing another woman. He won’t talk to me about it because he believes it is none of my bussiness what he does in his personal life as I am his “wife only in title not spirit or future…”,he does not see it as adultery. He has said to me he is closer to God now than before and blames our marriage for his past failure to keep God at the centre of his life, well, I know I was responsible for my relationship with God, not someone else. You know, the past months have been such a wake up call for me, in the way that I became passive in the marriage and did not share my true feelings, sometimes out of frustration at thinking I wasn’t listened too and others out of the false believe that problems would just go away, not cherishing our life together, thinking “there are no fights, so all things are well”, not true, becoming complacent, negative and not taking hold of who God wants me to be, not looking at our Lord to fulfill my needs instead of a man, my husband. Well I do want to reconcile but to him we are finished. I can’t see our future together, I am in pain and battling with guilt, anger,dissapointment, sense of betrayal, etc and in all of that I am leaning on the Lord, praying, and learning to let go and letting God take control of our lives, learning to become more like Christ, knowing that this is what God wants of any of us, praying for my husband, that the Lord will guide him to become the man God wants him to be, that He will work in his life whether he comes back to me or not. Praying for our children too, that they will be protected and healed. I too believe there is no other marriage for me, that if he is not back and can not make it with him, well, how many times can I try? He became “the one” the moment we married, I did not make a mistake in marrying him. And I am ok about never marrying again, though sometimes it pains me the fact that I know how well we can make it with God’s help and a counsellor, but, I am only able to choose to change me. Anyway, thank you to whoever reads this, it is long, but I needed to do it. Thanks. Your sister in Christ.
Hi Cheryl & Jeff I came across your book just yesterday as I was searching for another book and as soon as I bought it I dove right in to it and could not put it down. You are an inspiration to all those like myself that are going through a difficult time with divorce.
My ex-husband left me nearly 3 yrs now when our daughter was just 1yr old. He blames me for the seperation, saying that I was never affectionate and loving to him. You could say that he was Cheryl and I was Jeff in the relationship. It took me a long time to own up to my part of the problem but I do know that alot of what I was doing was not correct. I was a married women who still had singles values and wanted freedom (not to date) but to be able to do as I pleased. When he left us I was devestated and felt my world crumble. This brought me closer to God and it is by diving in to His word and thanks to my wonderful congreagation that I was able to to move on. I had expressed to him interest in reconciling but he wanted nothing to do with it. Shortly after we were seperated (within a couple of weeks really) I found out he was living with another women, who to this day he is still with. It’s been a roller coaster of emotions with me thinking that he will come back and then giving up, I event tried to date a little,nothing serious just a chat here and a dinner conversation there, but in my heart that did not feel right so I stopped.
I have told God that I will do His will and whatever He wants me to do I will do. Well it shouldn’t come as a surprise to you that God wants me to keep fighting for my marriage. He has spoken to me on may occasions to keep believing in HIm and not in the situation and believe in His power. I am glad that God led me to read this book because it is exactly what I was needed! I know that God will work on changing my ex-husbands heart to consider reconciliation and I will keep praying and trusting in God. God bless you both for the work you are doing.
My heart is so broken. My wife and I have been seperated for 18 months now. We have a little boy who just turned 3. I was treacherous with her heart at times. I have have owned every part of that. Back around Thanksgiving, she said she wanted to be obedient to God, tired of living with regrets, and tired of living with her parents and wanted to reconcile. We are 44 and 43 years old. Her parents were out of town at the time. I was so happy and excited. Then they came back home and she became distant again. Then just after the new year, she filed for divorce. I am standing strong and having faith. I am laying down my life and being as christlike as i can, loving her where she is at. Being the greatest father to our son. I asked her out a few weeks ago to dinner with our son and she said yes. The next day she canceled at the last minute. Our court date was yesterday, but she didnt show up. What does that mean? What do i do? I have never experienced this kind of love for someone as i have become so close to God during this season. I have watched so many videos about Cheryl and Jeff. I got the book last night and i am going to go down by the ocean this evening and start to read.
Thank you for your ministry and encouragement.
Blessings and Love in Christ.
I guess I am struggling to find some glimmer of hope. I have read RMM and Cheryl’s book. My case does seem so far gone. Many people think my husband has mental illness, multiple personality disorder. He knows the word of God in his head, in fact he now says he became a Christian because he never got attention from girls on his own so being a christian was an easier way to attract women. Now his career has taken off and he’s making lots of money he says he no longer needs Chrisitianity, he can get women by who he is now. There are several sin issues at play here. I acknowledge the part that I played, I’m definitely not trying to blame everything on him. The past two years are marriage has been horrible. I prayed fasted, zipped my lips and my husband just got worse. Told me he will continue to have multiple affairs because its not illegal for him to meet other people and have relationships and not tell me. He lies constantly doesn’t come home from work till all hours of the night. I zipped my lips for two years and prayed. So when you say God wants to heal my marriage…yes my lack of faith tells me probably not mine and God knows why. I finally separated because it became verbally and emotionally abusive. I felt like I was in spiritual warfare everyday when he came home because he just wanted to pick a fight, then tell me he loved me. This is not the man I married, but he tells me it was all a game to get me and now he’s ready to moveon to getting the next “it” woman. Is this not sick? I continue to pray for his true salvation but I’m at a point as to whether I should even pray to restore this marriage if it was ever one? Is it possible for God to have a reason not to restore a marriage?
Anyone have any encouragement?
I’m struggling in my marraige…please pray for me my husband is not sure what he wants or if he wants to stayed married to me, although this time in my life has been filled with great pain and heartache God has been so good and i know that he will see me through. I do not want a divorce..i elieve with all my mind that God is in the business of restoration and miracles and although my husband is not a christian i believe that God will hound him..PLease PLEASE PRAY FOR US and for me..stand in the gap for me and pray with me for a miracle.
Never give up hope! With God ALL things are possible!! I can understand your frustration and how your heart hurts. I have been divorced for 5 years and standing for my marriage for the last 3. My husband is living with another woman and on the very day that Jesus convicted me to stand for my marriage, the other woman entered the picture. I had NO idea! The enemy will use anything to try and stop the work of God. My story is very similar to Cheryls except I took a little longer to let God convict my heart. When I began my stand, Al (my ex husband) told me that he would never return home to me. He stated that I took to long…..but today he has asked me for some of Jeff and Cheryl’s information to “help a friend” who is going through a divorce that he does not want. This friend may very well be who actually touches Al’s heart…..God is good at having others hold us accountable. Our children are sympathetic to me but do not always support my stand. Although this is the most difficult thing I have had to endure, (let’s face it, the world is not supportive of such a thing) I know that God is the Great Redeemer. Don’t give up just because your circumstances look grim. I could go on and on about how the enemy has attacked me with illness, foreclosure, lack of heat in the winter, etc…. just to get me to give up on Jesus. The rewards will come if you just trust in Him! I recently watched one of Jeff and Cheryls testimony video clips and Cheryl became emotional when she stated that at 4 years of stading, she wasn’ sure how much longer she could keep standing. I was having one of those same exact kind of days and that video gave me the encouragement I needed to get through one more day. You are not alone……don’t let the enemy win. Stand tall and know that Jesus is on your side……TRUST!
I haven’t given up hope to reconcile a marriage I didn’t want to end. I told her I prayed for her daily, she said please stop. I sent her books and dvd’s, she said stop. I emailed her daily devotionals, she said she deletes them without reading them. I was not giving up until she recently started dating someone. She even introduced him to our daughters, (who live with me). One of the hardest parts is that her best friend is a pastor’s wife. I felt like she would step in and speak the truth to my ex, but I guess she now condones divorce in situations of “I just don’t love you anymore”. I’m not sure what book of the bible that is in, but I’m still looking.
I think my problem is I always felt like God was going to send me things that I could send her. I need to step back and allow God to His will. He doesn’t need my help. What I am struggling with is what if it is not His will for her to come back? I’m having a hard time reconciling why there hasn’t been a “hollywood” ending. I guess I’m also inpatient. It’s only been 16 months.
It has been my experience that no matter what you do, it will be wrong. My ex will only talk by text after 16 months. Just be nice to her given the opportunity. Invite her to dinner, even though you are assuming she will say no. I get my ex Christmas presents, birthday presents, mothers day….from me and our daughters. I get nothing. I went through the Fireproof book. It worked for the 2 weeks before she moved out, but it is hard when they are not living with you. She told me I was going to make my 2nd wife a good husband. ??? Just read, read, read. Treat her with love, and don’t expect anything in return. Let God do the work.
Great advice! Thanks Joel
Hi Cheryl,
First of all, thanks to you two for sharing your story, for being so honest and totally helpful in your book. I do agree with Joel in the actitude he has towards his wife; but tell me, how would you act towards your husband in my situation, when he is seeing another woman, not in front of anyone, least of all our kids, but after I found out he says it is not my bussiness as I am his “wife only in title not in spirit”. I think he started seeing this woman only after we separated but I am not sure, not even whether he knew her already or not. He talks to me with no remorse whatsoever and does not see it as adultery. What do I do? I am not nasty to him at all, I make sure I say no bad thing to our children and try and cooperate with him in the care of our children (in fact, sometimes I think more than help I enable). Otherwise I am very concise and talk to him as little as I can since it hurts a lot when I see him and he can look at me in the eye and he is ok with things. I am strong, the Lord sustains me and gives me strength but it is hard to talk to him and not remember he is still married to me and yet he thinks its ok to see someone else, I can not believe it. I know that nothing I could say or do would bring him back and only the Lord could change him, but also, while not being judgmental or selfrighteous (the Lord knows my part in this mess!) I don’t want him to think that I am ok with what he is doing. Any advise? I know you are super busy with Lauren, your family, jeff and many other things and people, so if you have the time for a quick answer that would be incredibly appreciated and thanks anyway for even just simply reading this post. Yours in Christ and God bless you
Anyone have any advice??
I have been standing for 3 plus years. I filed for divorce and then Jesus convicted me of my wrong doing and asked me to stand. I can tell you that it is the most difficult thing I have ever done. I have found out who really trusts and believes that God can do the impossible. I have lost “friends” because they think I am “crazy” and at the same time I my stand has made other curious and reach to Jesus more than they ever have. Three years ago, my ex husband wouldn’t take my phone calls, screamed at me when he talked to me, allowed the woman he lives with to treat me terribly and blamed everything that has gone bad on me. Today, he takes some of my calls, came over 2 days ago to fix my AC, accepts gifts and letters from me yet he still lives with the other woman. I can see God working although, it is very very hard to keep my chin up at times. Obviously, I struggle with and from time to time, let God know that this is taking sssssoooo long and it hurts like crazy. I have even asked God to remove the love I have for my ex husband from my heart but, He hasn’t and keeps giving me signs that He wants me to continue to stand.
Our children are grown now but I believe that your younger children know more than you suspect. They may come to you at some point for discussion or they may just watch and learn from your loving actions. My children have watched and learned forgiveness and although they hate what their Dad is doing, they don’t hate him. I tell them always, that we are to love him where he is right now. The enemy will continue to tempt him, and encourage him in his worldly ways but when we love him where he is, it is showing God’s love which will always conquer the enemy’s deceptions.
It is difficult. It is heart wrenching. It is not going to be easy. I have to remind myself every single day that doing God’s work isn’t the easy way in todays world. I have to remind myself that Jesus life was full of evil people and yet He loved and won.
Hang in there. Find the positive (it is somewhere in every situation, although it may be very small at times) and give the Glory to God for every small miracle. I often tell others when something good happens(even if it is small) “Do the Jesus Jig!” Dance and celebrate with God over the tiniest things and they will grow into bigger and bigger celebrations. I am praying with and for you!!
~Cassaundra
You have to let God do it. I know that isn’t what you want to hear. But he is far more capable than you of bringing repentance. If your husband is a Christian, then God will pursue him and there will be consequences for sin. It may take a while, but God will love him back into repentance. Its what he does. I feel your pain as my wife is in sin also. This is my approach. Pray hard every day for him. Don’t let the enemy win. You can do it with God’s help.
I saw you and Jeff speak at Lakepointe, and I recently purchased your book. I can’t put it down. It shows some great insight into the things I did wrong, without knowing it at the time, and your views, which I think parallel my ex-wifes. I would love for her to read it, but she has told me she throws everything away that I send her. I have now stepped back and am praying for God to have someone else step into her life and give her the things that I want her to read.
Cheryl,
My husband and I have had a rocky relationship. We have divorced and reconciled over petty stuff and have been remarried for 15 years. 3 years ago my husband began having an emotional ( maybe physical) relationship with a female that he had dated when we were divorced. I never knew of the girl and had never heard her name. I found emails and text messages where he was talking to her about our marriage. I decided not to leave him because I love him and wanted to make the marriage work for my kids and me. Things have reared their ugly head again and I have acted irrational, accusing, snooping, all the above. He filed for divorce last week and I am devastated. He says its over between us and he wants nothing to do with me. I am praying for God to change his hard heart for me and restore the love and our marriage. I so scared as I just got divorce papers. Can God change his mind. I have repented of my irrational behavior and sworn that I could get over my trust issues but he doesn’t believe me. Can God fix this marriage?
AnaMary,
That is a tough one. I think at the end of the day, you have to do what is right for you and your children. Take the high road. Sooner or later, sin is exposed. You don’t say how old your children are, but if they are older, they see. He probably feels remorse, but is not going to let you see it. He is justifying his actions by allowing Satan to twist things around in his head. Having said that, you don’t feel any better about it. It is an hourly battle. You are just going to have to keep talking, reading, praying. I’m really sorry for you, but there is nothing you can do that will change him. God will have to. If you haven’t already, read I Do Again. I set a record for me. I read it in less than a week. (I usually don’t finish books). It gave me a lot of insight on patience. God bless you.
Joel,
Thank you so much. You don’t have it easy either though, do you?. Our children are 8, 11 and 13, as far as I know they don’t know their father is seeing someone else. And yes, I have read the book and it is fantastic, it gives me hope. All said, when you look at where we are right now, it seems so unlikely; but I have to remind myself of all the work the Lord has to do in us first for the possibility of reconciliation to happen and that at the end of the day, I can not control or change him, only myself. Always trusting in the Lord for wisdom and support. But I will pray for your situation also. I am reading at the moment the famous devotional by Oswald Chambers “My upmost for His highest” and it is wonderful in placing me at the feet of our Lord, learning to know Him in spite of our circumstances. Well, God bless you all.
Joel…..
The power of prayer is our best weapon. Maybe gather a group of friends or others who are in support of your stand and pray together. God often says that 2 praying are more powerful than 1. I am doing a Daniel Fast with some family and friends while we pray for movement. My ex husband is surrounded by skeptics and athiests so we have decided today that fasting and praying is something that often times is powerful against such groups of people who influence those we love. Your prayer for someone to touch your wifes life and give her the wisdom and tools she needs is huge. God is listening and working even when it seems silent. Thinking of you and praying for you.
I am very grateful for all these comments. I am a man who was blindsided by my wife on March 30th of this year saying she wanted out. I have been begging for reconciliation to no avail. As my counselor and I have been trying to make sense of why and what is going on I have stumbled upon my wifes 5 year emotional affair with a man who started out just working as a computer repair guy at the Christian school she worked at. He has since gotten his masters in Marriage and Family counseling and is working on his doctorate. She has continued to pursue him but he hasn’t allowed it to get physical. He now lives in Washington. We are in Texas. What a sick thing to continue to try to counsel her as he knows her connection to him is not just about marriage counseling. I think he likes the attention but can’t really bring himself to do anything. I have found letters and confronted her about it. She says there is nothing there and that she was just in love with the idea of being loved by a loving sensitive man. That God had spared her from herself. Last week I went on a mission trip several states away from Texas and took my 12 and 13 yr old boys. It was awesome. As we were preparing to go I said to her that I wanted to call each night to talk with our 7 yr old daughter. She said I would have to get a hold of her at her Poppys or her aunt because she was going out of town to meet some old high school girl friends to go shopping in a large city. I was very suspicious but knew there was nothing I could do. One day ago I was able to find out that she committed adultery with a high school friend, not even the “counselor” she had been pursuing. Its like she got on facebook and searched until she found a guy who was willing. I know of other trips and meetings with others as well. Sooo with anger boiling I am no longer begging her to come back but am meeting today with a lawyer to have papers served on her. I don’t know who she is anymore. I know I have made my fair share of mistakes and I would be the Jeff in this situation. She is definitely more like Cheryl. I was a youth pastor for 10 years and we were so much in love and enjoyed ministry together, then a bad career move and Satan has pretty much had his way with us. I am broken. I am disgusted. I am clinging to God and desperately praying for her. When on the mission trip God told me “Let her Go, she is my problem now. You focus on you and me. Be who you are supposed to be and let me deal with her. So that is what I am doing. I am still wearing my ring. Even through all I know I love her and want her as my wife, but we have a long way to go before that can happen. I read your book twice both times in one day. I know it can happen for me but its going to have to be one day at a time. God help us. Please pray for K and G.
I began having an emotional affair with a man back in late May. It wasn’t long before I was kissing him. I was found out and left my husband in early June of this year. I continued to see this man, and our relationship progressed. My pastor husband has filed for divorce. I have been distancing myself from this other man and recently I’ve made attempts to reconcile with my husband.
He has stipulations: Remove all appearances of secular living, cut ties with the other man, and all friends who are not “healthy”, be willing to fully submit to his authority as my husband, take out my nose ring, among other things.
I’ve agreed to all of these, and have been making strides to do these things, including send a letter to his attorney and the clerk of courts rejecting the divorce petition.
However, I just found out that my husband has been texting and talking to another woman “just a friend.” He claims that she has the qualities that made him consider her as his next wife. He tells me that he has come to terms with divorce, feels relief, and that he can finally have the life he has always wanted.
My pastor continues to encourage me to pray, dig in, and wait. However, I’m afraid that I’m going to be hurt. That he isn’t truly interested in reconciliation, but wants to see how far he can push me. I know that he is hurt. But he denies any responsibilities in the downfall of our marriage, claiming that I have all the changes to make.
I feel very confused and as if I may never measure up to his standards, no matter what I try. I’ve always struggled with my self value and that was a huge source of contention in our marriage. I feel that he using those things against me now.
How do I know if it’s my will or God’s will? How will my family and friends ever accept the fact that I am considering reconciliation with my ex husband?
I’m 24 years old. I married my high school sweetheart when I was 20 and was divorced before I was 22. I thought we had a great marriage. One day he surprised me by asking for a divorce. It turns out that he met someone else and was seeing her behind my back. He moved in with her a few days after telling me about the divorce. I was completely in shock. I begged him to go to counseling so we could talk things out. He shut me out and seemed to have already moved on. I filed for divorce as soon as I could. It seemed like the only way out.
After two years of silence, my ex- husband contacted me. He apologized for his mistakes and told me of the changes he made in his life. He found God- something that we were missing as part of our marriage. I always had a relationship with God but my ex refused to have any part in it. We’ve been talking every day and meeting up for a few dinner dates. He seems to be a changed man. He wants to give us another try. It is wonderful to have him back in my life. He was my best friend- the love of my life. I know it would be a hard road for us to have a successful relationship again but it might be worth it. I am just so scared of how my family and friends will react when I try to explain this… they saw how much pain and hurt I was in when he left. I could only hope that they will be as understand and forgiving as I am. I’ve been praying daily on what to do- I need guidance. I want to be with him but I am not sure if this is what God wants…
In Malachi, God tells us that He hates divorce. You and your husband were joined together into a covenant with God. He also tells us in Scripture that what God joins together do not separate. Is your ex a believer? Anyone else w comments?
He is a believer now. I feel like this is something good but as soon as I make it known that we are working things out, the gossip and negative talk will come. How difficult was it for your parents/ friends to accept that you were together again? Family means the world to me and I don’t want to do something to damage that relationship.
What used to be a favorite time of the year is now a bummer. My ex is taking my daughters, who live with me full time, out of town for Thanksgiving. She gets them this week per the divorce decree. I just can’t shake this bad feeling. I know my daughters need their mother, but why do I have to suffer? (I know the answer, I just don’t want to listen) My sister lives about about 90 minutes away, and she has invited me to her house. It’s just not the same. I suppose it will never feel the same. Help?
Joel,
I pray that you drove the 90 miles to spend the day gathered with those who love you!!! I guarantee your daughters thought of you on Thanksgiving as much as you did each of them. It is amazing to me as I work wtih kids with cancer, I remind their parents; although the reports maybe 30 pages deep and the outcome is saying, the prognosis is not good. Kids don’t know they are not suppose to live, so they LIVE until a time that they are unable to walk or to do the things they love. But their first thing is to just keep breathing – living, loving and learning. So in this time of waiting, for the healing to rise up in your being – that wherever you are – God is with you, also and so is the love of your girls. I have stood in the heart ache that you have with a 25 year marriage coming to an abrupt and angry end; and now, yesterday on Thanksgiving, we stood in the same room; at our oldest son’s home, his gorgeous wife and our grandson, and surrounded by both sides of our family – NOT A WORD spoken between us, and through God’s love and fealing grace, I finally had peace in where I am at along this journey. I pray that someday we will be able to have a conversation again, I am open – he is not but until then, I am learning to live – life outloud!!! Blessings, Joel. God’s grace surround you and life you higher and higher.
I found everyones stories, replies and comments interesting and helpful. I have a beautiful x wife, both in form and in heart and mind. She has recently remarried. As a child I remember my parents divorce, I remember praying for my mother and father, going to a church at 14 years old and meeting my wife for the first time amidst the turmoil in my home, I remember making her a paper airplane out of starburst wrappers from the candy she gave me that melted my heart, the airplane she saved and showed me nearly ten years later. I remember promising to God that no matter the circumstances I would honor my covenant unlike my parents I would not choose self over love. Here I sit 32 alone, conflicted. TOGETHER my wife and I chose a path that ultimately led to My failure in our marriage. I question myself and my current motives and descisions regarding my promise, her remarriage. Am I a fool or crazy for believing that love is stronger than death? The church says I am my family says I am.. I know what I am not. I am not divorced in the eyes of my king.
I was just served divorce papers by the love of my life. When we met 18 years ago I had a feeling that we were meant to be together. We had a great marriage. A few rocky times in the beginning and a period of disharmony a year ago but over all I thought a great marriage.3 wonderful kids; lots of friend; a supportive extended family and church. We took trips just the two of us to Cuba, Mexico, Hawaii, San Diego; skiing trips all over BC. Everyone thought we had a great marriage. 2 years ago I lost my job; I got depressed and could’nt figure out what to do. But my wife had a great job and she supported us while I started my owon
own business.’
But 10 months ago she went on a business trip; a month later she confessed that
she had met “the love of her life” and her “soulmate”. She said she wanted
to leave me and the kids and move to another country across the continent
to be with her love. I talked her into counselling and I thought we were
makeing progress. It was all a lie. 6 months ago she met her bf here and they
spent a nite befor flying off to NYC. A day later she was back but wanted
a divorce. She moved out and is demanding a divorce asap. She has given
up her family; her church; her job; her widowed mother; all her siblings; most
of her friends; everything really. But she can’t end the relationship with
her bf.
I admit I need to change a lot; our marriage is dead; the only hope I have
is a new marriage where I can show what I’ve learned from this separation.
but my wife refuses to talk about anything other than divorce. She says
she is finally happy and when I see her its like talking to a stranger.
I just don’t understand.
Bob, this may not be a popular thought, but I would go meet with this guy and make him understand that he is ruining a family and that he needs to back off. Your wife is being blinded by Satan’s lies of how her life is going to be better.
Hello. I have been standing for my marriage for 7 & 1/2 years! y husband told me he loved me, but wasn’t in love with me after 4 years of marriage. My brother died of a brain tumor only 8 months before this. I was devastated and depressed and just returning to semi-normal when this happened.
I remember the day my husband left. I helped him pack & he asked me for his wedding ring and put it on. He told me that he loved me and always would and that he was confused and maybe he would realize he was making the biggest mistake of his life. After he left, I immediately felt Peace & Joy and a very strong message of he’s coming back. I began to stand that day.
We kept in touch & saw each other. Often when we would get together, we would make love, but then he would go away again. I continued to stand, pray a lot & wait for God to move. After nearly 5 years of standing, my husband came to me distressed and we held each other for 5 hours. He slept & I prayed. He started to come more frequently to see me, asked for a key, spent the night. I never pressured him, but waited & prayed. One morning after he had spent the night, he told me I made a decision, I want to come home. I was thrilled! He said he would at the end of the summer due to a job that took him out of town. We still saw each other and made love, etc. I was so happy and thanking God for this miracle.
Then at the end of the summer, I found out that he was engaged to another woman and was living with her. He was planning to marry her & was still married to me. I was beyond devastated! We talked a lot, he cried and asked for my forgiveness and knelt down and asked me to pray over him. I gave him prayers to say and we kept in touch. He decided to marry her because the “wedding” was days away. He told me it meant nothing to him & it wasn’t even real and he would leave her. I continued to pray.
I was served with divorce papers 10 days later. I thought I would die! He stopped talking to me & we only saw each other in court. The other woman was there. About 6 months after the filing, the judge bi-forcated our divorce, but it is still not final. I’ve met him twice this past year. The first time we talked a lot & I told him that I forgave him and that God forgave him. I asked him if he forgave himself and he said he couldn’t. We haven’t spoken since August. I miss him so much & I love him unconditionally. I pray for him night and day.
I am believing that God is working on him and restoring our Marriage. Nothing is impossible for God. Please pray for us. Please pray for my husband to wake-up and turn his life around. Please pray for him to contact me immediately. I am praying that this Christmas God will bring my husband home to me to stay! May God be glorified in our restored marriage! May God move mightily and quickly to heal us & retire us. Also may God bless us with children. Thank you for your prayers! May God restore all marriages quickly and bring the prodigals home. Amen!
Cheryl. My wife and I got divorce February while I was incarcerated. We were married. 10 years. I was gone 31/2 years . I came home in June and we were togeth er sexually for 2 months i was staying at her house but we fought often because she was with several men even feel in love with one and I couldn’t stop asking or thinking about it. I found out by looking in her phone. She told me she never planned to get back with me andthay God told her to divorce me. She is constantly looking for another man but tells me it’s none of my business. I love her so much but my faith in God is wavering. I ve tried being with other women but I constantly think of her. We hav4 children together and they are struggling because of this.I pray and pray read Andreas for advice but now she said she doesn’t like me nor wants to speak to me. She said Scripture supports her decisions and for me to move on.what do I do I want my marriage back but she doesn’t at all. I fear losing her for good. To someone else feeling I’m no good for her. Is God really going to restore her it has he taken her.
WHAT SCRIPTURE IS YOUR WIFE REFERRING TO?
Hi, I have spent the time and read many reviews; much end in hopelessness and some relationships are fix (by faith)? I have a story as well and I’m glad I am not alone. I was onced asked would I be patient for one year and wait for her? I said honestly I could not answer and that was because I was so hurt that I needed her to come back to me right now with our two kids. Now I cling on to the smallest bit of hope and that’s God, why give up on him when we always tend to use him as last resort; after everything we do fails for reconciliation.
I very quick over view of my story. My gf left after ten years of being together; she left with no good bye and took the two kids 8 hours away.. Just before she left I was in a car accident. I could not drive because I became blind in one eye and I needed glasses to correct my good eye to 20/20. I lost my job as a paramedic the same week.. Two months after she left I find out she was cheating on me. She is madly in love and has pushed god out of her life. She says its time for me to be selfish. Recently she told me we cannot be friends, it’s about to get a whole lot worse.. Her bf gets mad if she sees me. I said who cares about that, let him carry his own emotional burden, he slept with my wife. And she says and now he is with your wife and I choose him..
I cannot sit and type all my efforts I have done. They have all failed me.. I have become so close to God I’m sure he wants to push me away. I have yet tho to hear him speak to him, to counsel me, to give me hope or anything that could save our relationship.. I cook food and freeze it for her, so it helps during dinner time , I bake all the time breakfast foods so its easy in the morning getting the kids ready.. I am out going with the kids, I take them ever chance I can. I pray with them every night on phone, I omwalk her to the car, heat it up, open close door everytime she comes over to drop kids off. I always great her with a tea or coffee. I always buy her gift cards or transfer money. I offer her a hand with her studies, I say good night or good luck by texting for her exams or anything. I gave never spoken ill of her and always been a positive encouragement. Everything is meaningless . No hope and no feature. There is no desire or care on her part. She key another man kiss her, she was submissive to him during sex. He touched my love.. How do I not feel anger, sadness, hate, concquered, defeated, rejected, empty, remorse, desolate, rejected at all levels. I have her everything, two houses, truck, hot tub, everything .. But it was all meaningless.. Now I have nothing, no home, two houses for sale, a horrible job just to pay for gass and support the kids.. What can I do but have hope in God, it’s my last resort in all honesty.. He will not impose on free will . I am lost, no options, no hope.. She is the one, the one I know is for life, we share the most important investment, our two children. With all the pain in this world , why would God help me ? My chances are slim to non. So as a end note, keep praying for your reconciliation, have faith and hope but be assured it might never come because we know, no one could ever have faith to move a mountain. It’s simple, there is always going to be doubt. Just pray, don’t give up.. I choose to have hope and will finish last in my family. By me choosing to have hope I am choosing to bit let go and by not letting go I am choosing depression, disparity, false hope, illusion, grief and desperation.. I guess I picked my battles, but god please save me before I loose my soul in the war..
We’re is hope in God? Is it by faith? When do we see the actions of god?? Is there any hope??????
There is always hope! Faith is the substance of things hoped for. God is well aware of every single detail of all thats going on with you AND your wife. God is aware of every thing your wife is in to. He has allowed you to become desperate because he wants you to depend on him and stop trying to fix it yourself.You and your wife got in to the mess your in because God was left out of the covenant you formed with him the day you entered in to marriage. Theres no doubt in my mind that the Lord has brought you to this site.You are seeking and you are finding. Get on your knees and lay it on God. Please consider this 8 point list when you pray. Write it down and read it every day and peace will follow.
(1)God is interested in your problem.
(2)God is greater than your problem.
(3)Our first response should be to seek the lord.
(4)God may want to include other people.
(5)God will give you the solution.
(6)Our prayers should be God centered , not problem centered.
(7)Gods solution usually requires an act of faith.
(8)Gods solution is ALWAYS best.
Jeff & Cheryl,
I ordered your book from Amazon and am waiting for it to arrive any day now. My wife and I’ve been married less than 4 years but separated almost 3 months ago due to my infidelity. She doesn’t want to see me or talk to me on the phone. In fact, it’s been two months since I’ve seen her, and even that was for less than an hour. She’s decided to file for divorce and wants to get it filed as quickly as possible to start the “clock” to get through the mandatory waiting period.
I see that you guys had kids, which probably helped you guys stay in contact. What do I do since we have no kids and she refuses to have any contact with me if it doesn’t have anything to do with divorce? We are both Christians. In fact, she has a graduate degree from a seminary.
Any quick word of advice? Thanks.
Hi Jeff & Cheryl! Your story is amazing and shows the wonderful work of God! I just recently had my mediation 3 weeks ago and it was the most painful and grueling process. We were there for 10 hours until we finally came to a mutual agreement. My soon-to-be ex husband and I were married for 6 years and together a total of 14 years. We have a beautiful 3.5 year old son who has been feeling the effects of our separation so much he asked me last week If I was his Mommy. My son had never asked that before and I know that question was asked because my husband has been in a relationship with another woman basically since we separated 1.5 years ago. The good thing is that she is very good to my son; however, their relationship was part of our demise. He and I had issues in our relationship from day one…mainly because of me and my history. I didn’t trust anyone and had been burned in practically all my other relationships. By the time my husband came in the picture I was so emotionally damaged that I decided I wanted to be the “man” in the relationship so I cheated on him as to avoid it being done to me first. The thing is that he was very good to me and never deserved any of it. I was 18 and foolish and didn’t really know how great he was and took him for granted. He chose to stay with me, but I guess that deep down inside he never got over it and so as time passed he changed with me and would lie a lot and go out behind my back. I would find numbers and pictures of other women in addition to inappropriate websites on his computer. Whenever I would confront him he would apologize and say ” I’m sorry, I don’t know why I do these things”. We broke up on and off throughout our dating years and I would tell him he needed to make sure that he wanted to be with me, as I was his first girlfriend and his first everything. I know we had a lot of dysfunction, but I always loved him and I want to believe he did too. We had issues with one another we never really worked on. We had been separated twice before this last time each for 3 months. I initiated all 3 separations…I never had coping skills and would throw out the word divorce 24/7 all because I wanted him to focus on the bigger picture and to change..:not realizing that I myself had to change as well. The first separation he sought counseling from a psychiatrist who diagnosed him with ADHD. I too went to see her separately, but all she did was prescribe anti-depressants and sleeping pills, which I used to attempt suicide during our 2nd separation. The 2nd separation we went to about 6 sessions of therapy (different therapist) but never really tackled our issues individually or just barely touched the surface. I know my husband was hurting as well and that I had changed and stop doing things because I had little to no self-esteem and wanted to badly for him to change. We got back together after 3 months because again, we missed each other. He said he loved me and didn’t want to lose me and wanted to start a family. I told hmm that as much as I wanted and yearned to be a mother…a child wouldn’t fix our problems. We had years of built up resentment and bitterness towards one another. When that is not tackled it only gets worse. It turns into contempt which is what happened to us. This caused us both to shut down. I even had an emotional affair with someone From my past when my son was 4 months old. I was looking for attention and connection with another man when I really wanted my husband to give it to me. He gave me attention and said I was beautiful all the time, but what did that matter when his actions were speaking something else and the women and drinking and Internet, etc were still taking over. He even did drugs which I found out a year later. It’s as if I was the cause of all those things because he doesn’t do any of these things anymore (not that I know of) ADN he seems so happy with her. He takes her everywhere with him and our son. He has taken her on trips. She is now always attending family functions with my in-laws, etc. He said to me that he doesn’t love me anymore and hasn’t for a long time. That he was so miserable and needed to do what was right for him and our son which was to leave and never return. He purchased a new car (on my birthday) last year and returned to college, which is something I had asked him to do a long time ago. My heart is broken because it seems like I was the cause of all his despicable behavior and now that’s a thing in the past. He has been up and down with his comments to me. Sometimes he says he did love me and that I was the love of his life and his first everything and other times that there was no love there and that he was trapped. But the other day we had a cordial conversation about our son in regards to his question about me being his Mommy and within 3 seconds of the conversation my husband called me “babe” and continued to speak. I’m not sure if he noticed or said it on purpose, but he hasn’t called me babe in over a year. I know he calls her babe as well so I don’t want to read too much into it. However, at the end of that conversation he asked to say goodnight to our son and the baby kept on Saying I want to be with you daddy and started to cry, which them made me cry. I got back on the phone with my husband and he just said ” I’m sorry,I’m sorry, I’m sorry.,,I have to go” and hung up. He then showed up at my job 3 days later (which he hasn’t done in over 2 years) asking for me because of a toy car I had in my purse. This is a person who does not call or show up at my job or house because of anything that has to do with the baby. Not to mention that he was going to see me that same night at 9pm to drop our son off with me. He could have told him no, you will get your car tonight when you see mommy. he’s been acting strangely since mediation. At mediation I asked him if he was happy and if this is what he wanted. His reply, ” do you think this is what I wanted” ” s–t happens”. And with that he went back inside and signed the marital settlement. I love this man so much because I know him to his deepest core and I know that all this was not easy because I was the love of his life and the mother of his child, but it seems so hopeless. He jumped into this relationship (which had started before he left me) and it keeps getting more and more serious. He’s even doing things with her that he never did with me even though I would ask him to. It hurts to the core because I am still very much in love with him and I don’t want to be with anyone else and definitely not marry anyone else. I would love to have our family reunited, but I’m not sure it is God’s will. I’ve been angry with God because i have prayed and nothing. I want him to be happy…even if it means without me. He deserves to be happy…everyone does. But my heart is breaking so much that I told him its best we not communicate at all unless it is an emergency with the baby. I just can’t do it. I need to heal from all of this and eventually he will need to as well. He hasn’t dealt with this at all..:jumping into another relationship without healing first was not a smart move. but I wish him the best and I pray he seeks The Lord for salvation. So that he can be the man that God intended him to be. Not a man of this world. I ask that you all pray for my husband, our son and me. Thank you
My husband joe and I got divorced in 2003. I was took by suprise although he said I should have known. He’d been trying to get me to go to counseling and I did try it, but it didn’t work for me. It didn’t seem to get at the heart of things and be productive. I think divorce was his was his way to fix the problem. We lived apart for awhile, but we still loved eachother. He was guarded, but we ended up getting back together. We moved in together again after a year or so. We didn’t get re-married though. I wanted him to ask me though. He bought a house and we moved into it with the kids in 2006. Times got very stressful with lots of life issues including the recession and our son had very bad mental health issues resulting in suicide attempts. I was operating on life support. I wasn’t nice to Joe. I was constantly stressed out. He kept saying he wanted he wanted me to go to counseling and us to go to counseling. He said he pleaded with me for years. I could never seem to find the time or money. Just within the past month I’ve been feeling like I can start breathing a little easier. Our son is better, my job is steady and I’ve helped Joe file banckrupcy to save the house and his business. I felt like I was ready to go to counseling. But, he has now said he’s done and is moving on. I think he has a new relationship too and that’s killing me. He’s adamant about saying he doesn’t want to be with me anymore and refuses my pleads. He throws his past pleads and hurt I caused him back at me as to why he can’t risk going through it with me again. I love him and want to be with him and be happy. I really thought he still loved me too, but I’m scared to death it is too late. He says I’ll be fine and there will be guys lined up at my door for me, but I don’t want that. I know I hurt him, but I never stopped loving him. It was just hard to show it. I know God can work miricales and I’m praying for one now. Please pray to heal both our hearts and give us the chance to be the love of eachothers lives we were always meant to be. Thank you!
Beth,
Just curious how things are working out?
I am reading a book by Merlin Carothers regarding praising God in every situation no matter how things may seem or look. I think it truly is the only option for any of us. Praise brings God into any situation and that is our only hope
Im engaged and confused. I have clung to 1st Corinthians 7:10 for 12 yrs not wanting to remarry because i still love my first husband. He is not remArried either. We both say we love each other but now have someone i. Our lives we hate to hurt. I feel like a horrible liar Nd sinner. I need direction and wisdom from God. Should i let go of a dream to put our lives back together?
Hey Jeff and Cheryl. I too am in deep. To sum it up. Together 11 years, married 7. We have a 3 yo daughter. I use to be very angry etc. Worked on it and got better after wife served me papers 5 years ago. We started a business. Sold EVERYTHING to do it. I asked before going to the bank “Before we do this, I need to know, are you 100% happy with me, with our marriage?” She said “absolutely” Business startd and while I was busting tail on it, she started flirting with the teens that was giving her attention. I tried to handle it right, but failed. I was too naive to think that nothing would happen. SHe cheated. Blamed me for everything. Said she wasn’t happy, hasn’t been happy etc. Mind you, this is only a few months after I asked her if she was happy.
She asked for Divorce on Oct 18th, day we got our license, and paid lawyer on Halloween, the day we celebreated (I love classic halloween and kids ToTing) Divorce will be final Jan 5th, 2013.
She went to church and said she had a revelation and said that god told her that her life is on the right path now. Says she’s happy that we’ve separated and wants to go that way. I told her “I don’t know what church you went to, but God does NOT like Divorce! I didn’t beat you and I certainly am not the one who cheated”
I have turned it over to God. We lost EVERYTHING in the failed business. Only a few dollars to my name and my truck. I spent $100′s after we separated on books and counseling. I wish I had found your book as well before money ran short. I now have no job and no money. I am praying every day for God to turn this around. It’s in his hands now. If I had the money I would certainly pick up your book as well.
I just wanted to say, I watched your videos on Youtube and elsewhere and so far was the most inspiring videos I have watched on this matter. I feel like I could know you guys. I feel the pain you guys went through, I’m still in the middle of it. Thank you for helping others and sharing your story. Godbless.
Dewayne
I’m so sorry for your heartache. It sounds like she is in denial. No way is it your fault she cheated. She made the choice. And you are right, God hates divorce. I am so sorry that you’re experiencing this.
Afraid to give too many details- together for 21 years, married 17.5 years, divorced about 11 months. There was emotional/psychological abuse and he finally got help. I was reluctant to jump back in because of our child. After 5 years separation he divorced me. However in the year leading up to divorce, and the 8 months immediately after the divorce, we got along well & talked of reconciliation – and our child joked about us getting remarried. However, I sensed something was different & he was distant starting in October. By mid November, I forced him to admit he was seeing someone- which was admitted by text message. He says she’s a Christian, nice, was worried about dating him because of me & our child, & she’s an ex-missionary. He says he didn’t mean for it to happen but doesn’t plan to stop. He spent Thanksgiving, Christmas, & New Years with her. I don’t know if God was protecting me from another doomed relationship with him or if I should pray & believe in restoration. He has already told our child that if he gets remarried, he won’t have to call her Mom.
December 5, 2012 my divorce was finalized and I thought I was ok, but it has been such a struggle for me. We were married for 11 years, have two beautiful daughters, 11 years and 7 years. Jeff and Cheryl’s story is almost a mirror to our story…I began resenting my husband when his career took precendent over me. I begged for his attention for two years, but he refused to listen because in his eyes he was doing nothing wrong…he worked hard to provide and came home every night, what more could I ask for? We lost that emotional connection and I started to resent him to the point where I even hated him. The last year of our marriage, I questioned everything…I wasn’t attracted to him, I truly believed I was only in the marriage for the sake of our children. I was at the bottom of his priority list and not only that, but I felt I wasn’t important enough in his eyes. My issues, problems, complaints were nothing in comparison to what he was going through. I got pushed to the point where I flat out did not like the man I was married to…at all. At the very lowest point in my marriage, in walks a man I had known for a few years, we worked in the same industry. We became close friends and started relying on each other…in essence, I was getting the attention I was lacking in my marriage and I was sucking it up like a sponge. I guess it gave me the “boost of confidence” to leave, which I did. I completely blind sided my husband, but at that point I was angry at him for never hearing me cry out to him. I moved out for 6 months and during that time I began dating that man, and thought he was the love of my life…boy was I wrong. The rose tinted glasses quickly came off and I regretted the day I moved out. Thankfully my husband was still willing to work on things with me, we began counseling and I moved back home. The moment I moved home, my husband’s willingness to work on our marriage changed. He was so angry and hateful towards me…he began verbally abusing me in front of our children. He had never been verbally abusive in the past, it was horrible. I thought that he just needed to get the hurt and anger out of his system, so I allowed it to happen for awhile, but it kept getting worse. After 6 months, he said our marriage was irreparable and moved out. This happened October, 2011. I was devestated! I thought he really wanted to work on our marriage. He kept stringing me along for the next 7 months, telling me he still loved me, missed me and I was still his. We spent the holidays together and I really thought there was a chance…I held out hope. I surrendered everything to God, repented of my sins and really turned my life around. Little did I know that prior to him moving out he had already developed a relationship with another woman. As of today, he lives with her, goes on our family vacations with her and my children and plans on marrying her. I’m sick. He blames me for everything, has SO much hate for me and says he will never forgive me for breaking up our family. I’m so lost and confused…I want to move on with my life, I need to move on with my life, however, I STILL want my family back together. He’s so mean to me…I’ve had to cut all communication with him because it’s so volatile. I don’t know what to do. I feel at this point there is no hope, but I know with God all things are possible. Sorry for the long post, but today has been a really tough day for me. Jeff and Cheryl, you are an inspiration and I can only pray for that same miracle to happen in my life.
I felt prompted to write in this forum after reading all these posts… I too am a troubled soul. My now exhusband left me for an older woman (he’s 28 shes 38) she is still married and my ex and her live together and have since I moved out if our marital home. We share a 3 yr old little boy whom we both love with all our heart and souls. We have been divorced since feb. of 2012. I knew he was having an affair when I moved out, I didn’t want the divorce, I begged and pleaded even offered a 6 month or longer seperation including me and our son moving out… Nope! He didn’t want that. He wanted out, apparently had wAnted out for over 2 years. He claims he hates me, I ruined his life, etc… Although in may of 2012 he was asking me to reconcile, 2 weeks into it he changed his mind again saying he just couldn’t make his feelings come back for me ( we didn’t sleep together during this time). I was confused, hurt, angry, heartbroken every emotion possible having, I had! He went back to this woman and has faithfully stayed with her.. We decided before we got divorced that we didn’t want to drag our child through our extra affairs so in our papers we agreed not to take our son around our new love interest until we had been in a relationship with them for 9 months… Back in June of 2012 he was saying he wanted to change that ruling into 2 years before our son could be around someone. I said I agreed ( my counselor even thought that was a good idea) I had no money to file for the changes at that time so we just agreed as two mature adults who care for our sons well being, I have recently discovered ONLY by my 3 year old that my ex husband is and has been taking him around this woman including sleep overs on the weekend… I had no idea about my son being around her, he doesn’t even call her by her actual name, he calls her something different (which is confusing for me)? I finally asked my ex about it which he smugly replies ” it was going to happen anyway get over it”. Now I know most of u might be thinking what’s the wrong doing here? 1. This woman is still married. 2. I graciously let my ex have my son on days not scheduled to him changing any plans I may of had because I want the best for my son and I know time with his father is part if that, but I get thanked by him sneaking him around this woman. 3. He has never admitted to even being with this woman until now! I have asked him several time about reconciliation and he says he just needs time, can I not just be supportive? I say yes, is this about another woman? His reply? No, I’m a single man free to do whatever I want! All the while he’s living with this woman!!!! They have kept it such a secret to the Point if having 2 different cell numbers their original one and now their 2 secret cells… I have prayed, fasted, prayed pleaded and prayed some more… I want to give up and there days that I think I have but then it’s like a little fire lights inside me turning for my family to be resurrected! Is this crazy? Is it just jealousy? What is it? Days I feel like whew I’m so glad I don’t have to deal with him and then days where I just cry to be with him… Do I give up? Do I continue to pray for my family to reconcile? I have recently filed a modification of our divorce papers because they were shoddy when first done and my child support his horribly off! And he has deemed me an unfit mother and is filing for full custody… Did I mention he’s a cop? So well see how this all plays out… I hate this I hate it all!!! I am trying to give it to God, but it always seems to get worse! What is that? I do want my family! But how do u even begin to see a positive in this situation? Any advice much appreciated!!
I will also add that I AM NOT an unfit mother… As sad as it is to say he wants me out of the picture (admitted that to his friends) he wants to pretend like he and I never happened and that mine and his son is “his and her” son, that they are one happy family, she has no children so I’m sure it’s quit a thrill for her
btw she is also has a masters degree in psychology… What’s wrong with this whole painted picture?
I want to hope.. but I’ve been divorced for over 8 years. He has lived with a woman for 5 of those years.
He still says he loves me.
Still dreams of getting back together.
But says he can’t hurt another woman now that hasn’t done anything wrong.
I don’t know how to talk with him? I usually end up saying be blessed marry her then.
BUT.. THAT IS NOT WHAT MY HEART DESIRES. I DESIRE MY FAMILY RESTORED!!!!!!!!!!!!
I had originally forgot my user name I had gone with…..
Sorry
Still seeking Wisdom and good biblical counsel
I an going through the valley and i trust God will see me through. Its been a year since my husband left us said all the painful words in from of her, he even bought a house and moved in with her! 4 km from where we stay. In August 2012 sent summons but i still refuse to bow to the painful spirit of divorce. I believe that the restoring power of God will see us through. My daughter 11 years is such a good child. She prays for the coming home of his father. I believe that the Lord will make a way and heal and restore our marriage. I post this requesting helpers to pray with me to destroy this monster called divorce forever. It is difficult to stand and agree with a stranger on such a sensitive matter. I trust that we can stand on the word of God, in withMKarachi
I posted not too long ago. I’d appreciate prayers from anyone reading this. My ex plans to marry his new girlfriend of 4 months on March 30th. He asked pur son to be IN the wedding. I am so heartbroken. In 45 days the chancr for reconciliation will be gone.
Please pray for this family!
I am so confused. My husband and I have been married for 10 years, since I was 19 years old. At that time we were both unsaved and abusing drugs and alcohol. He had alot of anger and was abusive(physical and mental although he did not beat or injure me)
even while we were engaged. Within about 1
year after we were married I accepted Christ, started going to church, and stopped my substance abuse. However my husband continued in his behavior, including being abusive toward me, withholding sex, and substance abuse. 3 months after our 2 2/12 year old son was born, I asked him to leave because his behavior did not improve after our son was born. (this was done with the support and counsel of my pastor) Over the more than 2 years that we have been separated, my husband has made numerous promises to change and we had been working toward reconciliation. However, everytime we would start to get close he would begin to fall into treating me badly again. Shortly after Christmas I decided that I should divorce him, and gave him that news. He since has been buying me things, promising to change, (he even came to church once) and has recently joined an outpatient drug treatment program. He was sexually abused as a child, which he recently admitted to me.(and blames his shortcomings on) Despite his seeming willingness to change, I am terrified to reconcile with him only to be pulled back into the cycle of abuse. He has been controlling, he has alienated me from my church, friends, and family. He has had a terrible temper and has been terribly mentally abusive. Not to mention that there has been evidence in the form of voicemails and text messages over the years that lead me to believe that he has been unfaithful. (also, he has had little interest in me) I am terrified that his recent want to change is just manipulation and that things will go back to being the same if I reconcile with him. I have not been doing well spiritually myself, I have been attending church regularly and seeing my pastor for counsel but I have been acting out. I recently went to a nightclub and drank alcohol, (did not get drunk) and am finding myself craving attention from other men. I know that I am not doing right, but I am so hurt and confused! I desparately want to please God, but I am so afraid to get hurt by my husband more and also afraid to move on.
My wife and I are working to save our marriage. I was so inspired by the Scruggs’ book, my wife read it too. I am learning so much about myself in this process of pain and confusion. I believe God can redeem our marriage and cause it to be so much better than it was before. I don’t yet know what led my wife to have an affair, but am learning she did not feel connected to me. One of the biggest lessons for me is to realize we are very different. I have to be confident in who I am in Christ, regardless. It’s about considering the worst scenario and making sure you know God will get you through it. Please pray for us. It’s like starting over, focusing on today not yesterday, anticipating what He can do in the future. Strength for today, bright hope for tomorrow!
I divorced my husband last year after discovering he had a porn addiction that resulted in multiple affairs, prostitutes, etc. I felt that even though God hates divorce in my situation He was giving me a way out. To complicate matters even more my ex-husband is a preacher and although he was tormented by this sickness, he was unwilling to get help in fear of others finding out about the addiction. I felt broken and betrayed. After our divorce I discovered that our last reconciliation attempt left us with a child. Fast forward to this year, we discovered complications with the baby and I lost her at 22 wks. Ex-husband never even called and didn’t speak to me at her funeral. Fast forward to now and I still love him and want to reconcile our marriage. I just feel this pull — I can’t even explain like God wants us to be together and has a bigger purpose for us. Ex husband has been communicating with me and has kind of indicated the same, however, he’s living with a another woman. In the past month he’s coming over twice to spend the night. It’s weird but I still feel like we’re “one.” I thought I was right to divorce him b/c of everything, but now I’m not sure. Just not sure what to do.
He needs to man up. He is not right with God. He probably feels ashamed, as he should, and wants to stay in the darkness. God has forgiven him, it sounds like you have forgiven him, now he needs to forgive himself and get things right.
You’re right Joel. He’s not right with God. Crazy thing is he’s in Bible College and actively seeking Pastoral positions. When we were in marriage counseling prior, the Pastor warned him about going into the pulpit with those types of issues, but it’s like he doesn’t care about getting right with God. I have been struggling for the past week with this and after much study I realize that I was not wrong to divorce him. I feel crazy b/c I am the one pursuing him and trying to get him to reconcile and see the truth, when not one time has he even attempted to restore our relationship. While I realize he does not need to apologize for me to forgive him, true penitence and remorse should be there if he was serious about restoring our marriage. However, it’s not there. He continues to get prostitutes and have sex with other women. In the past month he has had sex with me twice, willingly cheating on his girlfriend. I just ordered Jeff and Cheryl’s book and while I plan on reading it and letting the Holy Spirit speak to my hear, I think that for my spiritual health it’s time for me to let go. I am open to whatever God’s will may be and I am going to leave it in His hands.
I was walking around one of my favorite bookstores when I saw I Do Again. My husband and i divorced April of 2012. He has a sex addiction which resulted in multiple affairs, paying for sex, and a child with one of his mistresses. He confessed and we worked on it for 2 years. During that time, I got pregnant but lost the baby 5 months gestation. He then relapsed and moved out. He started partying and sleeping around. He even drove to another state to sleep with a he was chatting with. After the divorce was finalized, we had very minimal contact. I asked him if he ever loved me. He said yes but he doesn’t trust himself to never hurt me again. He said that even during his recovery he has hurt me. I really don’t know what to think. I’m a good Christian woman who married a guy who (I didn’t know) is a sex addict. I still love him and care deeply about him. My family believes in reconciliation (mainly because of our culture and very strict Christian beliefs) but my friends think it’ll be dangerous for me to ever get back with him. I don’t feel right about dating again but I also don’t know where this is going. I prayed and fasted during our separation and most of 2012 even after the divorce was finalized. I still love him but I don’t know what to believe anymore. Please pray for me and my ex husband.
Christina: I am so sorry for what you’re going/gone through. Our stories are so similiar it’s almost scary. Unbeknownst to me, my husband had a sexual addition that I didn’t discover until a couple years prior to the divorce. He paid for sex and even was caught and charged with solicitation. I too got pregnant — it was right after our divorce was final — and I lost her at 5 1/2 months. It’s been tough, but I know through it all God is able. I have realized that my xDH is not ready to change. It’s a tough situation. My family believes in reconciliation too, but they also worry. In this day and age it’s very dangerous to sleep around. I cannot trust my xDH and I also cannot put myself at risk. I will pray for you and your xDH.
Thanks Alex. I’ll be praying for you too. I couldn’t believe how similar our stories are. I’m so sorry for everything you have gone through. Only God can restore our shattered hearts. Let’s continue to trust His plans for us.
Wow! Reading all this brokenness tells me I’m not alone. I will get the book. My heart breaks for all involved. My story is no different but our marriage did not start with God’s approval although we do have two children together that are perfect and good. I have been forgiven. I lived in an abusive marriage with infidelity of too many to count to include our neighbor of seven years. I have forgiven him. He has remarried but told me he loves me. Dec 2012, I told him to leave me alone or I would tell his wife. He has left me alone but I have a strong desire to pray for him bc he lives a life of evil doings with money toys lies and decietfulness. He is an alcoholic and so is she. They both enjoy the party life and it is literally killing him. He has a heart condition that will kill him if he does not stop his abuse of alcohol. He stopped while we were talking but my daughter says he started back heavily. My prayers are for God to bring him to his knees to Glorify the Lord as a changed man but why do I feel so compelled to pray for him? Am I to stand by and watch him literally kill himself with overindulgence? His wife is just as bad, if not worse than him and sees $$ signs. I am burdened with the need to pray on his behalf… Why?
My wife and I met at a Christian University and after dating for just over a year we were married. I thought the marriage was fine, but unknown to me, she felt differently. Most of my life I’d fought a losing battle with pornography. And the thing that almost always accompanies pornography is lying. I hurt my wife and compounded the hurt with lies. I have been delivered from the porn and the lying, but she went ahead and filed for divorce. It’s been almost two years since the divorce was final. I have gone through counseling and have made some great progress in becoming a better man and have grown closer to Christ. My now ex-wife says she has no feelings for me and has no desire to reconcile. I, however, still love her and desire for a miraculous reconciliation. We have two kids together and they are still upset that we don’t live together. After two years, is it time to move on or do I continue to think that God can/will step in?
Jeremy, how I wish my ex-husband would do the things that you are doing. I, myself, have prayed for a miraculous reconciliation. I am not sure what God has in store for us but I know that He has my best interest at heart. I continue to pray for my ex. If it is God’s will for us to get back together, He will soften his heart and give the same desire to reconcile. I hope and pray for God’s will for yours.
Christina,
That’s where my confusion comes in! I’m doing all the right things, wanting to be a better husband and father and it wasn’t good enough! Why? Since my original post, I was told by a friend that my ex-wife had an emotional affair with an old boyfriend. I was able to confront her about in a counseling session that was designed to help us co-parent. She denied the whole thing, which I expected, but did disclose they are seeing each other…It’s like the bandage got ripped off yet again! How do we stand when this is going on?
Jeremy:
I think the best answer is to pray to God. Ask Him to show you His will and to soften your xwife’s heart. As someone who was married to a man with the same issue, the lies and the pain from a porn addiction run deep. However, unlike your wife I at one time desired to reconcile with my xDH but he was and is not ready to change. Funny how life works. The important part is to continue to let God work in your life and transform you into the man He desires you to be. This weekend I finished reading “I Do, Again” and the one thing that struck me is that God’s timing is not like our timing. He needs to get us where He wants us in fulfillment of His plan for our lives. While that plan may include your ex-wife, it may not. And at the end of the day, you have to be fine with that. The focus can’t be on the other person but on you and your relationship with God. He will work out all the other details. He already has the plans worked out for us; all we have to do is trust and have faith that those plans are good — better than anything we could have ever imagined. I pray that God work a wonderful resolve for your situation.
What do you pray, Alex. Do you pray for reconciliation? Do you pray for courage and strength to move on?
Jeremy: I would say you pray and ask God to show His will and His desire for your life. However, in the meantime you have to be still and listen for His direction, His guidance which can come through reading the Bible, through your quiet prayer times with God or through a trusted Christian counselor and/or friend. When I pray, I have learned to ask God for what I want, i.e. reconciliation, but at the same time I ask God to show me His will and to line up my life with His will. Every prayer I have ever prayed God has answered. It’s not always yes, but in the end it’s worked out. During my divorce from my ex-husband he was begging me to call off the proceedings and I prayed for God to show me ex-DH’s heart to see if he was sincere. I prayed that if it he was not that God would open doors and “let this cup pass.” God showed me ex-DH was not sincere and he opened doors.
God will not leave you in the dark. Not sure if you read “I do” but in it Cheryl speaks of how she had a prayer journal and how she “wrestled” with God on certain issues and how he spoke to her. All we have to do is ask. We have to strip away the pride and really be honest with God and let Him know our concerns and what we desire, and then leave the rest up to Him. I don’t know what God’s will is for your life, but whatever it is I know it’s great. He has already worked everything out, you just have to walk in His way and trust. Trust that no matter what happens it’s for the best. He is using this period in your life to mold you and get you in the exact spot He wants you to be. So, just trust and continue praying and studying His word. Everything is going to be alright.
What do you pray for after two years? Do you continue to pray for reconciliation? Do you continue to pray for courage and strength to let go?
Jeremy,
Out of curiosity, how long were you married? It has been two years since your divorce was finalized…it is time to move on with your life and pray for guidance in your forward direction. If God intends reconciliation, He will soften her heart. Meanwhile, focus on your children and your own personal growth, not on her emotional desires, dating activities, or possible past transgressions.
After almost ten years of marriage, my wife broke the news to me on March 2 that she though one of us should leave. I was shocked. I knew that things weren’t great, but had no idea that she was this unhappy. She said that I was selfish, and always got my way at her expense. She’s right. I started praying then.
On March 7, I got a call from a woman breaking the news to me that my wife was having an affair with her husband. They were separated, but she wanted to reconcile and my wife was in the way. I was floored. I never thought my loving wife could do this. I confronted her, and she admitted it. He is an ex-boyfriend who she’d meet when she traveled to her sister’s in Oklahoma. They’d been physical for three months, but were talking for three months before that.
We’ve been trying to put the pieces back together, as we have four kids. God has granted me the ability to forgive my wife, but she still has not apologized for the affair, the lies, the deceit. She has not even stated that it was a mistake. On the contrary, she told the counselor that she wished that I would just leave, so he could take my place. She thinks she’s in love with him, and not with me. On three occasions, I have caught her calling him after she promised not to — so that we could work on us. That’s not three calls, but rather I caught her using different cell phones to call and talk to him for hours on end — for days or weeks between being caught.
God has planted me here. I am fighting for my marriage. I called HIM, and asked him if he wanted to break up my marriage. He reluctantly offered to bow out, and not answer nor reply to my wife’s pursuit. That was a week ago, and he has thus far honored that vow (as far as I know).
My wife still blames me for this. She says that I dedicated my time to everything other than her and the kids. Yes, I had a lot on my plate: volunteer fireman, city council, taught RAs at church, served on a POA board, headed up a hunting group. I did dedicate more time to them that I did her.
She acts like she is trying. But, over the past month, she has acted this way several other times. Each time, I thought we were getting somewhere, then she’d sabotage things by calling him — and driving a wedge between us.
She has agreed to a daily devotional, to pray for us. I pray four to five times a day for us. I just don’t know what it will take for her to soften her heart, to repent for the affair, and to ask for forgiveness from me. How long will she fool herself into believing that this is all my fault, and forgive me for my hobby “affairs”?
I have the faith that God CAN heal our marriage. I have hope that she will turn away from her lover. I love her.
Any helpful words are greatly appreciated.
This is an encouraging story.
thanks so much for sharing.
Does anyone know of any examples where a childless couple have successfully reconciled? I have read “I Do Again” and do find Jeff and Cheryl’s story inspiring but they, like the other ‘success stories’ I’ve come across do acknowledge that their children were influential in their reconciliation.
My husband and I were high school sweethearts. We married when we were very young and have been married for 13 years. In 2011 he couldn’t find a job locally so he went to work in another country for a year. Long story short he started having an affair and, after struggling with his decisions, about 10 months ago decided to leave me for the other woman. My husband and I were married in the Catholic church. I do not believe in divorce. Until his affair my husband didn’t either. We are currently ‘informally’ separated. While I do pray to God that my husband and I will reconcile, rebuild our marriage and start a family together, we do not have any children.
I do regularly pray to God for guidance but, as with many others on here, I am struggling to maintain faith. If anyone can share an example of where a childless couple has reconciled that I could draw strength from I would appreciate it. My husband and I are currently living in different countries and have limited contact with each other, but I know he still cares about me. I believe marriage is for life. Like Cheryl, if my husband and I don’t reconcile I will never marry again.